


Barg the Benevolent

by chaserzachsmith



Series: Professors of Hogwarts [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 08:33:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14016363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaserzachsmith/pseuds/chaserzachsmith
Summary: Professor Umbridge, as the Hogwarts High Inquisitor, inspects Professor Binns' class.





	Barg the Benevolent

“What does she even think she’ll _accomplish_ ,” says Hannah. 

“What does she ever think she’ll accomplish?” says Susan. They peer surreptitiously at Umbridge, sitting primly in the back of the room.

“You shouldn't stare,” says Justin, just as primly.

“We’re not staring,” says Susan, though they clearly are. “Just… looking.”

“It’s impolite,” says Ernie, then he gives Susan a look and decides she’s beyond help. He appeals to his fellow Prefect. “Come on, Hannah. We’re supposed to be setting an example.”

Hannah ignores him, choosing instead to squint at Umbridge like the lawless, un-Prefectly fiend she is. “Do you think she could _actually_ get him out of the school?”

“I reckon if she can’t get Peeves out, she can’t get Binns out,” says Susan. “I’m sure she’d try though.”  


“This is our _chance_ ,” says Hannah. “Maybe if we complain enough when she asks around--”   
  
“We can’t get a hard-working man _fired_ ,” says Justin, affronted at the very suggestion.

“He’s already dead!” says Hannah. Justin seems unconvinced by this infallible logic, so she presses on. “We could have a _proper_ professor if we-”   


It is then that Professor Binns comes through the blackboard, bringing with him his customary solemn attitude. “Good afternoon, class,” he intones. “Today our lecture is on the role of Barg the Benevolent and his ultimate ineffectiveness on the Goblin Rebellion of 1752.”

“ _Hem hem._ Professor Binns?” says Umbridge.

“Yes?”

“You received my note informing you of the time and date of your evaluation?”

“I did not,” says Binns. 

He waits for a moment, but no response seems forthcoming, so he hovers at the front of the classroom and begins the lesson. “In 1751, Barg the Benevolent discovered to his dismay the various plots to assassinate Urik the Ugly. In response, he-"  
  
As Barg the Benevolent meddles further in Urik’s affairs, Susan puts her chin in her hands and zones out, until Professor Umbridge chimes in again, interrupting his discussion of Barg’s many well-meaning gestures. “Professor Binns?”

“Yes, Madam Ulbricht?”

Umbridge makes a note on her clipboard and Hannah sends Justin a significant look. At the front of the classroom, Michael Corner has an uncontrollable coughing fit. “I was just wondering about your curriculum. May I ask you a couple of teensy questions?”

“You may,” says Binns.

“How long have you been teaching here?” Umbridge asks.

“The answer to that one’s in A History of Magic if you go looking,” quips Susan under her breath, and Hannah giggles. Umbridge, thankfully, does not notice.

“It’s been so long I can scarcely remember,” says Binns. “Over fifty years, I’m sure.”

“You look as young as ever,” Morag MacDougal assures him, and Michael Corner has another uncontrollable coughing fit. Ernie, unamused, shakes his head. Hannah, very amused, grins.

“I’m told you have a low success rate in this class,” says Umbridge, and Hannah gives Justin another significant look. He ignores this.

“The youth of Magical Britain is not enamoured by the fascinating subject of Magical History,” says Binns dully. “It’s considered largely inapplicable to most careers, so only a few people take it past the OWLs and don’t see reason to try on exams.”  


This is a top-notch excuse, framing it on the students and their disinterest. Hannah’s almost impressed; Umbridge nods primly and makes another note. “You may proceed.”

“Barg was greeted on all sides with mockery, some wizards calling him ‘Barg the Bumbling’ or ‘Barg the Butler.’ This latter was because after three months, much of his involvement in the ongoing conflict was as a messenger, relaying death threats between the leaders of goblin factions and the Ministry of Magic,” says Binns. Susan zones out again.

Usually they are in a hurry to leave the classroom, but today Susan spends a maddening amount of time packing her bag, as her friends stand around her irritably.

“I wanted to discuss your teaching style,” Umbridge tells Binns.

“Hurry a little,” says Hannah to Susan. There is a fantastic macaroni casserole for dinner tonight and Hannah intends to partake in it. Susan closes her copy of _A History of Magic_ as though she’s kissing a lover goodbye. She is not hurrying.

“Sue,” says Hannah. “Dinner--”

“And miss this?” says Susan, tilting her head towards Umbridge and Binns. “This is the most interesting thing that’s happened all year.”  
  
“You’re in an illegal club,” says Hannah, and Ernie clears his throat warningly.  

“I try to phrase my lectures in an interesting and engaging way,” says Professor Binns. “I use diverse vocabulary and discuss the most interesting parts of each historical event.”

“I see,” says Umbridge. Susan’s motions get even slower and Hannah huffs in frustration, then snatches Ernie’s quill out of his bag and throws it across the room.

“What’d you do that for?” demands Ernie.

“Oops,” says Hannah. Ernie scowls and crouches to look for it.

“I think your lectures are poorly representing the Ministry,” Umbridge says, simpering.

“I base my lectures on firsthand and secondhand sources from the time of the-” Binns starts.  
  
“One might wonder if there’s an agenda at this school, Professor Binns.”

Ernie, on his hands and knees under one of the desks, bangs his head on its underside. Umbridge turns to look at them sharply. “Class is finished,” she says sweetly.

“Ernie lost his quill,” says Hannah, like the lawful, Prefectly angel she is. Convinced of their innocence, Umbridge turns back to Binns.   
  
“My job is to present the information,” drones Binns. “The information I choose to present reflects neither my personal views nor an agenda of the current Headmaster’s. For instance, I don’t believe that the goblin rebellions were ended satisfactorily, and that was largely due to restrictions on wand ownership and creation, along with-” 

“Do you think he even knows who the current Headmaster is?” says Justin to Susan quietly.

“It _is_ Dippet, right?” Unfortunately, Justin is unimpressed with her stellar wit.

“-and the legislation passed in 1756, prohibiting goblins and their children from attending Hogwarts. This legislation was in place until 1953, with the first half-goblin to choose a wizard’s education over a goblin apprenticeship. However-”  


“I hope she hates him now,” says Hannah in an undertone. “I would.”

“Thank you, Professor Binns,” says Umbridge. “You shall receive your results in a fortnight.”  
  
“I look forward to it,” says Professor Binns. Umbridge does not answer him, just hustles out of the classroom. Ernie sits back on his heels.   
  
“Next time throw one of Justin’s quills,” he says. “He doesn’t care about his quills.”   
  
“Do you think he’ll be alright?” says Justin worriedly, as Professor Binns leaves through the blackboard. Resigned to the loss of his best quill, Ernie swats dust off the front of his robes and stands up. He shoots Hannah an unhappy look.

“He’s dead,” says Hannah, oblivious to Ernie’s loss. “He’ll be fine.”

“Accio Ernie’s quill,” says Susan, and she sticks it in his hand with the air of Barg the Benevolent, wearily bringing gifts to Urg the Unclean in 1753.

Like Urg the Unclean and his famous paranoia, Ernie accepts it with some hesitation, pinching it between his fingers daintily, and they all leave to partake in the macaroni casserole.  
  



End file.
